we finally got around to it
2002-10-29 / 9:18 a.m.

I thought I had this great time at the Power Exchange. Yeah, we finally went. And then the more I started thinking about it, the more I started to hate myself. Not hate but major regret and disappointment in myself.

So last night I burst into tears. And Thug did his best to comfort me and swore that nothing had changed between us. He was going to tell me he decided he didn't like it either.

I had no problem at the Human Petting Zoo but this was entirely different. It turns out it wasn't for me. Parts of it at least weren't for me.

Things that can't be taken back.

It's a general ick.

And then on top of all this, GS went on a date and actually had a good time. This means he goes out of his way to avoid me at all times.

I've made some adjustments though, that should help me out.

First off, I've taken off the email alerts from him on the phone. Second, I blocked and then deleted him. Third, I've not turned on my phone at all today. There will be no more waiting around for calls that rarely come.

First thought is I'm kidding myself. I'll add him back on and if he calls or writes I won't be able to resist responding. At night I'll wonder if he's chatting with her or talking to her on the phone. So I'll sign into my other messenger names and look to see if he's there.

But I try. And that's what matters here. I'm really and truly trying to move past this.

It's an obsession. I just wish for once I could be fucking normal.

Ok...it's time to start working.