it isn't too late
2002-07-15 / 3:45 a.m.

It's a sad day here.

Without explaining it, because explaination would again cause you all to think I am insane, I can only say that GS and I are officially over. We're over in the sense that there will be no more phone calls, no phone sex, not ever will he say he loves me like he did before.

One last "I love you" I got from him yesterday.

So seeing him now on MSN will be hard. We'll chat sometimes, altho it won't be the same.

He may come out here in a couple of weeks but it's doubtful.

Still, I'll go on a severe diet and work out constantly just to lose 5 lbs when he gets here.

Remember what I said about his last visit...how it would have been the perfect date if only he'd known it was me. He thought I was someone else, there was no connection for him.

I'm not insane.

If I could, I'd take this all back. Almost three years I've been trying to keep up this double life. Three years where I've neglected my home, family, myself. How much I've neglected my daughter... shame on me.

Alot of tears yesterday, for what I've lost and what I've done to others.

But a huge chunk of that other life is gone now. Hopefully I can get back to being myself.

I'd like to write in here more often.

I'd like to make friends.

I'd like to change on the inside as well as out.

I'd like to find myself.