what am I thinking?
2002-05-18 / 9:17 a.m.

I spent a considerable amount of time on the phone last night to the ex boyfriend Tylor (permission to use real name has been granted).

You know, it's really neat being able to talk to someone about the teenage years and all the bullshit that went with it. I'll tell you what else is pretty neat... a big flipping WOW... is that Tylor remembers so much more about me than I'd ever expected him to. He had a "KC box". He had pictures, all the notes I'd given him, even movie tickets fercryinoutloud!!!!! His ex wife made him burn it all in a bon fire once. A real shame because that would have been a blast to look at.

Hmmm... whatever happened to our prom picture? I wouldn't have tossed it out. But I've moved so many damn times it could have gotten lost or tossed.

So I told him maybe sometime this year we could "get together". Hell, I tell you...HELL. That's where I'm sure to go.

He remembered the little piece of my eyebrow where the hair went in a different direction. He thought I was cute when I got mad. He knows I'm a freak sometimes and he doesn't care about that.

But what am I thinking? Thug knows me, he loves me. He's put up with alot of shit from me. The depression, the mood swings, the internet addiction and the not being able to drive until a year and a half ago. He loves me. It's not possible that anybody else could love me so much and put up with me for so long. Right? Well here comes Tylor who makes me think otherwise.

But how stupid can I be? I don't want to leave Thug ever for him. Granted, it's a strong possibility that I'd leave him for GS if I could be all that GS thinks I am. But this is not likely to ever happen.

And why even go there??? Tylor hasn't asked me to run away with him. Nope. He just tells me he's still got strong feelings for me and pretty much has never fully gotten over me.

Ok, so then I have to think about how maybe I'm talking to him because I feel guilty over how we broke up. I was a cruel bitch. I was a teenager. Need I say more?

I tell myself over and over again that it's not about guilt. It's about having a friend again. Reconnecting with the past, something I never wanted to let go of in the first place but had to anyways.

I had to grow up.

Hell, I'm still growing.

It's just so nice to feel loved. To know that others think you're special.

Garsh darnit... I AM special!!!

Tylor was there to talk to last night when Thug blew me off for a fight in Reno with a friend. See, we were supposed to have lobster in Reno last night but he calls me at work to tell me he's still going up there but not with me. Yeah I was a little hurt. They'd made these plans, they got cancelled. The friend says he can go again and so Thug says ok.

I'm not so hurt anymore.

He came home around 2am and we had a little lovin' :)

I've come to love giving oral sex lately. Thug says I've become damn fantastic at it too. This means alot since he's always said his ex was the best ever.

He's been bugging me to tell him where I learned it. Always I say it was the internet. I tell him about an older man I've been chatting with for a long while. This bothers him none at all. In fact he likes it.

Truthfully it was on the phone with GS. He describes in great detail all the fun we could have.

I think we may do the Power Exchange thing tonight. I'll wander on down to Victorias Secret today and pick out something pretty to wear down there. I'm nervous as hell tho.

I'll have to get a drink (or several) before I go in. No alcohol served there.

Until then I've got alot of house work to do.