my diary: aka "letters from GS"...an internet love affair
2002-04-13 / 10:24 a.m.

Lame title, I know.

So I'm supposed to write down everything in my life and be ok with sharing. For the most part I'm willing to do that. I'm not ashamed of saying I'm a slacker, alot of housework gets put on hold because I'm busy trying to keep up with my "other me", I waste time at work, I'm a loner... pathetically so. I'll write about my love life if I feel the need, and I'll admit I like to masturbate. I'm not afraid to say I'm nutso alot of the times, and I should probably be taking something other than prozac. I should be seeing a shrink 7 days a week because of this obsession with GS and all these lies I tell him to keep it going.

note: other than with GS, I don't lie. this of course cannot be proven and my word is all I can give.

But you see, it's those lies, the one thing I am ashamed to put down in writing. Too much worry over what anyone could think about me. Too much worry because I know they'd for the most part be right.

This has gone on for too long now. Since the beginning of '99. It's been three years since he came into my life, and three years that I've lived in my fantasy world. Three fucking years.

It's part of the anxiety attacks, I know this. I'm afraid to admit they happen soley because of this mess I've made. Afraid because... ? hmmm...

So what to do?

I haven't written in my regular journal for at least a year. I'll have to dig it out and check. I should be carrying it with me always like I did in high school, writing down every little detail. Perhaps I should do that today? Go out and buy a new journal? If I'm alone I'll buy whichever one I want, not the cheapest as I'd have to do if I were with Thug.

I'm obsessed.

It's gotten so out of hand.

It's all I think about from the moment I wake til the second I fall asleep at night. Sometimes I dream of him. I get jealous of other women when I've got no right.

It's all about GS. I want it to be about who I really am.

I'll try to keep him to one entry per week. No more.

key word: try