I could go crazy
2002-04-09 / 11:15 a.m.

I once said I chatted to GS without him knowing it was me. I pretended (oboy) to be a "friend" of mine. Truth is she's not my friend because she doesn't even exist! Yes, I do need something more than prozac. Often I think about praying to God to help me but then I think how can I when I don't even know if I believe in him? I'm sane, truly I am.

Anyways, GS is interested in this so called friend of mine. He told "her" he cares but he's tired of this virtual relationship we have. He needs someone who's available.

I get that. I really do. But it doesn't stop it from hurting. It doesn't help to know he could find something more special elsewhere and have there suddenly be nothing more for me. You can't tell someone you love them and then walk away.

Oh but I know I deserve this pain. I have cause him more pain than I care to admit. The guilt would eat me alive.

I believe it's partially why I've been having the anxiety attacks. I know I deserve this.